I've been gone for a while, it seems. No updates, and honestly the last couple of posts were pretty meager in content. I've been lost, I suppose... trying to figure out this whole writing thing. Being frustrated with life, as I tend to be, I've barely written a word in edgewise over the last few months (that wasn't required of me from school or the school's paper -more on that later). I don't know what it is that's kept my fingers from typing much more than website addresses lately. Fear, perhaps. Boredom too.
I've been in my head a lot. More than a lot. I've become my greatest confidant and closest friend. In my head, I've had day long conversations about the state of the world, society, the nation, friends and family, love and life. I wake up to a rather annoying cell phone alarm tone which warns me I've got no more than another 45 minutes to rest up while Tony gets ready for work. Eventually, he coaxes me out of the comfort of our warm bed and I grumpily put on some clothes for the drive to Lucite. Drop him off and then I'm on my own. I've been an unconventional housewife of sorts for some months now. Not really a wife, and not really in my own home. No children to look after unless you mind picking up the family dog's shit now and again, and on some occasions, the Shinobi's (the cat's) vomit.
From then on, it's open range til around 4:30-5pm when I pick up Tony from work. In between those hours, I tend to stay in our room a lot. Sometimes I go out and do some groceries, walking aisle to aisle in search of breads and beverages without high fructose corn syrup, vegetarian meat imitation products, and occasionally a random ingredient for a recipe I want to try out from some vegan cookbook or website. Asides that, I watch way too much television for any person in one sitting. I tend to pick a television show and stick to it from first episode to the last season's gripping finale. Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, and more recently The O.C. (which I admit is making me feel like I'm beginning to scrap the bottom of the barrel for entertainment). Episode after episode plays on my television screen or computer monitor (depending on whether or not I was patient enough to wait for Netflix envelopes or skipped directly to the instant satisfaction of illegal episodes on TV upload websites). During this, I try to multi-task by either cleaning up the room or organizing (it gets messy quite frequently), knitting (still working on my first scarf), or playing Mah Johng Solitaire (this option usually wins).
Whenever I'm not feeling too lazy, I visit my mother at home. Usually, I'll take a pile of laundry to do because we don't have a dryer at Tony's house. Not having a dryer during the rainy season just doesn't seem to work out. I tend to try to come up with topics of conversation on my way there: ask about family members, mention school or the school paper, talk about movies I've recently seen or places I've recently been to. Most importantly: avoid topics about god, religion, and politics whenever possible. My mother and father have become heavily immersed in the world of intense, blind Jesus worship. It pains me, I won't lie. And I can't come home without having to hear some ridiculous (most likely hypocritical) preacher on the television or radio. Otherwise, it's some kind of Christian worship music blasting and my mom trying to get me to see how hip it is to rock out with your crucifix out. I think these are the major reasons why I tend to cut my visits as short as I do. I just can't stand it, I really can't. If I see another piece of shit TBN piece of propaganda in my parents possession, I will scream for blood.
On some Wednesdays, I also take a trip to MDC's Kendall Campus for what can only be called a very intimate newspaper staff meeting. I say this because at every meeting that I've attended, there are never more than 4 people in attendance. Actually, there was only one meeting where that happened, and one of the girls left after 10 minutes. The rest of the meetings attendees have consisted of me and Corey, the editor in chief. I only joined about a month and a half ago, and while the lack of others' participation kind of discourages me, at the same time I don't really give a shit. I'm willing to put a lot of effort into this paper to get the recognition I long for eventually as a writer. It's a simple first step, but at least I finally took it. I recall being an FIU student and lurking outside the Beacon's office with an application in hand and never having the balls to walk in and join. I'm doing shit a little differently now. I guess time bring out the urgency of now in some, or it has in me at least. No time like the present, especially when you're and unemployed, bored, highly indebted, part time college student with nothing left to lose.
My afternoons tend to consist of more television watching and some web surfing while Tony and I discuss the days' events and overindulge in fancy vegetarian meals, too many cigarettes, an intimate moment or two, exchange jokes or snarky remarks, and on occasion (yes, I've cut back on drinking miraculously) we share a bottle of wine. Wine is becoming somewhat of a hobby of mine now. I'm reading a book on it and I've been buying different bottles to try out and refine my taste for Bacchus' famous nectar. Hopefully someday I can become a somewhat dignified wine-o, the kind you know to call to ask about whether to choose the $9 Yellow Tail Merlot or the $14 Beringer Merlot (get the Beringer). Actually, I hope to refine my tastes beyond the Publix $20 and under wine department selections but that'll do for now at least.
Eventually, the night comes in to pull at our eyelids and Tony and I retire to bed. I get under the covers and enjoy the comfort of having a warm, loving body to lie next to. I stare into the emptiness of the wall beside me and think about what I did (and more importantly did not do) throughout my day and make a promise that I'll try again tomorrow. I do my best to ignore my lover's breaths and snores, shut my eyes and relax my body and give in to the inevitable. The unknowing world of sleep. And then the alarm rings again...
So like I said, I've been pretty quiet as of late and that's mostly because there hasn't been much to report. But I'm hoping for a change to come. I can feel it itching under my skin and blowing in the hot summer winds. The writing bug is coming back and coming on strong. I feel it with every letter I type. I'm smiling as I write this. It's like begin reunited with an old friend. Finally, I'll get all of this insanity out of my silent brain and into the loud, brash universe of cyberspace. For now though, it's almost 2am. It's July and I've got bills to pay in two weeks, and less time to find a job that'll pay enough. It's time for me to wake up my right leg which has fallen asleep since starting this, and then to put the rest of me to bed until tomorrow. And tomorrow I may write again.
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ecstatic
crushed
calm
annoyed
